fucking art

So, I have been performing on stages since I was about 8 years old. Starting as an actress doing theatre, and then at 16 changing 'career paths' to music. I have never been an extrovert or someone that likes to call attention to myself; the exception to this, however, is that I love being on stage. When I'm onstage I all of a sudden can say, move, and be whatever I want to be. It's almost as if before an audience I can be more honest with myself then I can be on an everyday basis.
Lately, I have been questioning my 'career path'. Not because I don't love it and breathe it every waking minute, not because I'm not good at it, but because the chances of me getting to where I want to be are very slim. Typically, these percentages mean absolutely nothing to me. I hardly think about them and could care less about peoples suggestions of backup plans and reality checks. But for some reason, these thoughts are sinking in lately. In fact they are weighing so heavy it's like a fucking sink hole in my drive and ambition. Is it the impending birthday? Is it the view of the mountain of work I have to do and will always have to do? The possiblity that these labours will never be rewarded?

But the thing is, right now I am writing stuff that I really like. For the first time in a long time. I'm not worrrying about it's commercial appeal, I am just thinking about honesty and impact. And it seems like more people are responding to it, which I am very excited about. So why am I freaking out about my music? Is it because it's not as obvious anymore? Am I setting myself up for a life of misery? Wouldn't it be so much easier if I wrote super poppy obvious songs that everyone hated but listened to in their cars because that was the only thing that was on? Wouldn't it be so much simpler to be like everyone else.

Fucking integrity. Fucking art. Fucking mountain.