Tuesday, March 06, 2007
It has become an annual tradition to totally freak out about my birthday; the wrinkles that deepen ever so slightly, the unfulfilled aspirations, dissatisfactions, missed connections and opportunities, reflecting on my failings and misgivings, etc.
This year I didn't do it.
Why not?
The answers, I'm not entirely sure of. I think it has to do with change instead of stagnancy, the company I keep, a sense of peace with gaining wisdom, and the fact that some people said I get hotter as I get older. Definitely, probably that.
That is to say, I didn't freak out until this morning. I didn't really freak out like I normally do, about the things I always do, but I just got incredibly sad. I woke up feeling lonely. Not alone. Lonely.
I missed my mom, wearing her big smile while greeting me with a vivacious 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie', as I sleepily stepped out of my bedroom. I missed a lover putting his arms around me at the first signs of my waking and whispering, 'Happy Birthday, honey', or various other terms of endearment. There was no phone ringing, no text message waiting, no anticipation of a new year, and no sign of it being a different day at all.
They say you're getting older, get used to it. But I don't, and I won't. We should not celebrate because we get older? That doesn’t make any sense to me, it seems counter-intuitive.
So, I tried to change my mood by throwing on some Satie and opening my curtains to the –15 degree day. I tried to ignore the incredible mess that has been accumulating on my floor for over a week, and to not think about how another night had passed without me cleaning it. I threw on something cute, put on some eyeliner, and tried to get excited about the day, about going out later to celebrate. I read my book on the T, which is packed 18 times the amount of a standard sardine can. Whatever, my amazing ability to shut people out comes in handy. I get to work to work, I get some birthday wishes, and I want to go hide. Suddenly, some flowers come through the door addressed to me, and instead of turning my mood around it reminds how this person will not be with me on my birthday. I’m lonely. Not alone. Lonely.
I try to keep it together, but it’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to. So I do. I go into the bathroom, twice, and sob. I sob, not because I’m getting older, not because I feel I am doing nothing with my life, I sob because I want affection. Not the platonic hug from your friend or even your best friend, but one from someone that loves you like no one else. That will smile into your eyes and you will know, without them saying, how much they care and how they will love you forever and no matter what.
I spend hours like this, trying to get over myself and trying to not feel so needy. I’m fine, I’m solid, I do this all the time. But I can’t, and I don’t. I cancel my get together and tell everyone that I’m going to an incredibly cheesy movie involving Hugh Grant, by myself, and if you want to come over for cake (so thoughtfully and challengingly made by my roommate) then come over after.
I think I start to feel better, not sure, but I think so.
I had intended to go out and buy 10 CD’s at Newbury Comics, but the weather outside was frightful and I was kind of feeling sick…not just in the head. So I mope, it makes me feel better.
Later in the afternoon a crowd of three friends gathers round my working space and they hand me a bag. Inside are some odds and ends, makeup bag, yellow peeps, and the new Arcade Fire CD released today, on the day of my birth. Suddenly, I know the answer, I know what I’m missing, and I put that CD into my computer, import and play. Out pours love and devotion, pain and exaltation, strange emotional contrasts that remind me of why I love this band and why I love music so much. I knew this would change my life, I didn’t know why or how but I knew it would happen.
Arcade Fire saved my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll love the CD tomorrow as much as I do today, but I know I love it today and I am so very thankful.
Tonight I will go to my movie, I will come home to my friends, and I will be ok. I’m a year older, and I’m ok.
This year I didn't do it.
Why not?
The answers, I'm not entirely sure of. I think it has to do with change instead of stagnancy, the company I keep, a sense of peace with gaining wisdom, and the fact that some people said I get hotter as I get older. Definitely, probably that.
That is to say, I didn't freak out until this morning. I didn't really freak out like I normally do, about the things I always do, but I just got incredibly sad. I woke up feeling lonely. Not alone. Lonely.
I missed my mom, wearing her big smile while greeting me with a vivacious 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie', as I sleepily stepped out of my bedroom. I missed a lover putting his arms around me at the first signs of my waking and whispering, 'Happy Birthday, honey', or various other terms of endearment. There was no phone ringing, no text message waiting, no anticipation of a new year, and no sign of it being a different day at all.
They say you're getting older, get used to it. But I don't, and I won't. We should not celebrate because we get older? That doesn’t make any sense to me, it seems counter-intuitive.
So, I tried to change my mood by throwing on some Satie and opening my curtains to the –15 degree day. I tried to ignore the incredible mess that has been accumulating on my floor for over a week, and to not think about how another night had passed without me cleaning it. I threw on something cute, put on some eyeliner, and tried to get excited about the day, about going out later to celebrate. I read my book on the T, which is packed 18 times the amount of a standard sardine can. Whatever, my amazing ability to shut people out comes in handy. I get to work to work, I get some birthday wishes, and I want to go hide. Suddenly, some flowers come through the door addressed to me, and instead of turning my mood around it reminds how this person will not be with me on my birthday. I’m lonely. Not alone. Lonely.
I try to keep it together, but it’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to. So I do. I go into the bathroom, twice, and sob. I sob, not because I’m getting older, not because I feel I am doing nothing with my life, I sob because I want affection. Not the platonic hug from your friend or even your best friend, but one from someone that loves you like no one else. That will smile into your eyes and you will know, without them saying, how much they care and how they will love you forever and no matter what.
I spend hours like this, trying to get over myself and trying to not feel so needy. I’m fine, I’m solid, I do this all the time. But I can’t, and I don’t. I cancel my get together and tell everyone that I’m going to an incredibly cheesy movie involving Hugh Grant, by myself, and if you want to come over for cake (so thoughtfully and challengingly made by my roommate) then come over after.
I think I start to feel better, not sure, but I think so.
I had intended to go out and buy 10 CD’s at Newbury Comics, but the weather outside was frightful and I was kind of feeling sick…not just in the head. So I mope, it makes me feel better.
Later in the afternoon a crowd of three friends gathers round my working space and they hand me a bag. Inside are some odds and ends, makeup bag, yellow peeps, and the new Arcade Fire CD released today, on the day of my birth. Suddenly, I know the answer, I know what I’m missing, and I put that CD into my computer, import and play. Out pours love and devotion, pain and exaltation, strange emotional contrasts that remind me of why I love this band and why I love music so much. I knew this would change my life, I didn’t know why or how but I knew it would happen.
Arcade Fire saved my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll love the CD tomorrow as much as I do today, but I know I love it today and I am so very thankful.
Tonight I will go to my movie, I will come home to my friends, and I will be ok. I’m a year older, and I’m ok.
posted by Sarah RabDAU at
2:20 PM
1 Comments:
Hi! Happy Birthday. Have a great day and smile...always. Just remember life is a beautiful journey and the more you smile, The merrier the journey becomes.
Music is my first love, glad to know its yours too.
Drop into my blog on birthday ecards for some beautiful e-greeting cards and other interesting info.
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