LIfe happens. You change.

I am in love with Joseph Arthur. I have just discovered him. I have listened to little else for 5 days now.
I was supposed to see him two weeks ago, but life happened and I had to go to NY. I'm pretty much exclusively listening to 'Come to Where I'm From', but I have also had 'Nuclear Daydream' in rotation. 'Redemption's Son' has been ordered and will arrive shortly. I adore him, I adore him, I adore him. I want to sing with him. I want to stand in front of the stage that he performs on and feel IT, that thing that some performers have, and some don't. I have a feeling he has IT.
I need some IT. I need it from someone else, and I need it for myself.

I've been going through a whirlwind of emotions. Some days I feel very much at peace and focused, other days I feel anxious and like I don't know myself at all. I want to spend sometime alone. Ideally I would love to go somewhere kind of far and just live for 3 or 4 days in a sort of silence. I would play and listen to music, but I would barely talk to anyone. Just watch.



Almost a year ago I went through a divorce of sorts. I had been with my boyfriend at the time for 11 years, he was not only my partner but also my family. When we broke up, he left and I was alone for three months in the apartment we had shared for 7 years. When I am upset or mad I clean like a motherfucker, and I did; even though I knew I would probably be moving out at the end of the summer. And I did.
Up until that point in my life, it was easily the hardest thing I had ever been through. The alone time was invaluable. I processed and played over all the things that went down, everything that I did wrong, all the memories we had together in the corners of each room. It's a hard thing to let go, we were with each other for almost half my life. You kind of have to rediscover who you are, and if all your faults are true to your makeup or if they were a result of being unhappy?

This thing with Dirk is the same sort of feeling, except that I don't have the alone time, and I'm not thinking about what I did wrong. To get alone time I have to walk for miles with my headphones in, and I do. I love walking. I walk all over the city and Cambridge.
You would think that if you had years to prepare for the death of someone that you love, it would be easier to swallow. It's not. Maybe the first day is easier, but not the weeks following.

I wrote a blog last week about how I felt so happy and hopeful. I didn't post it. Everyday changes.

People ask me why I haven't been booking shows and why I'm basically letting my talents go to waste. The answer for this past year is this: I'm letting life shape me, not me shape my life. I never do that. I always make things happen, always plan, always work and hideaway. I did not do that this year, as I couldn't. Hiding away would not allow me to experience all these changes and directions.
Things are different now. I am feeling the need to hideaway again. I am feeling the need to shape my life again. I am starting to feel ready.

I'm hoping that I record my album in September. I have a lot of work to do before that happens. It was supposed to happen last year in July, but life happened. It's been a long time coming.

I just put on Cocteau Twins. I love the music that I have learned about this year. It all has somehow become my favorite, music that I would go to a deserted island with.

I love the people in my life. I miss the people that can no longer be apart of it.

Life happens. You change.