Broken, but bound by blood

It is likely that not every person in the world loves their family as much as I love mine. In fact, I feel pretty confident making that statement. I have close friends whose families make them feel like shit, are unsupportive, and bleed them dry. It breaks my heart that there are millions of people that don't have the connection and need to be with their sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers. I realize I'm lucky.
But luck doesn't mean perfection, and connection doesn't leave me free of issues. I have plenty.

This Christmas I spent it with my mom, my dad, Peter, and two sisters. My parents have been divorced since I was two. This was the first Christmas I've spent with my dad since their divorce. On Boxing Day, my stepdad's brother and wife came over. My mom and my stepdad have been divorced for about 10 years. My stepmom and dad (married 20+ years) are now separated, and my other two sisters were spending Christmas with her. I've been through almost three divorces and one death (someone that felt like a stepfather) in my 30 years. I have four sisters, but I am the only one made by my mom and dad. Everyone on my mom's side of the family has been divorced at least twice. My dad's brother and parents married their high school sweethearts.

What's the point of this blog?

The point is that I had an absolutely fantastic Christmas. I ran around NYC, taking in the last day of the Hockney landscapes exhibit with my mom, dad, Peter and two sisters. I was brought to tears by the color and wild abandon of Hockney's strokes, while also loving the sight of my mom and sisters sitting on the concrete floor discussing perspective. I ate with my mom and dad at either end of the dinner table. I made a chocolate bread pudding with bourbon caramel sauce that upon taking the first bite, everyone let out an 'oh my god'. We went to Sherlock Holmes on opening day (amazing). We all became addicted to Mad Men and watched the entire first season. My dad and I cried while watching 'Julie and Julia' solely because Julia Child was so passionate about what she did. This is my family. They understood why their local grocery store named 'Four Season's' is so ridiculous. We ate together. We drank together. We art-ed together. We played games at 2am and laughed our collective asses off. We listened to Neko Case while we ate oyster stew.

I have been hurt by them and have hurt them. I have laughed with them and at them. I have felt torn to pieces because of separations and relationships gone wrong. I have felt overwhelming love every moment they come into my head and heart. They are mine and I am theirs.

This is the modern family. Broken, but bound by blood.

Remembering Blogs and Top 17

I was reminded recently that I used to write blogs more. Sometimes I would even suggest music, movies, art, etc, and people would look into those suggestions. Per my habit of self-promotion fail I would often forget to recommend my own music in these blogs. I haven’t always been this bad. There have been times in my life when I would promote with abandon, sometimes obnoxiously so. I would quote myself on message boards under threads titled: Awesome lyrics. I would hand out CD’s to every person I talked to. When asked what bands I liked in town, I would say ‘Mine’. Looking back on this 2-3 year period of my life, I attribute that cock-sure attitude to a few things:

#1 At the time I made music to specifically not have any associations with the genre ‘Tori Amos’. I thought I was doing a good job at not being that. I have since learned that a girl cannot play a piano at all without that association. Also, who gives a shit? I can quote you every lyric on ‘Little Earthquakes’, maybe even ‘Under the Pink’. So what? I’m a female, piano playing, early-Tori loving girl. ‘Blue’ by Joni Mitchell is also one of my favorite albums. I taught little kids to be faeries at summer camp. Sue me.

#2 I was a little bit younger. Typically with that extra bit of youth on one’s side there comes unabashed confidence and glorious naivety. After these past few days hanging out with my 22 year-old sister whom I share many qualities with, I am reminded of that.

Things I don’t understand about my confidence at the time:

#1 My music was pretty generic. I removed all passion, fire and dynamics from my songs and unknowingly made myself into the poster child for girls that listened to Tori Amos, Joni Mitchell, and taught kids how to be faeries at summer camp. This is probably a gross generalization, but I use my license as the author of this blog and writer of those sugary songs to do so.

#2 Seriously, what was I thinking? I believe I wasn’t thinking anything except ‘I’m Pretty’.

Here is a video from that time. My uncle Patrick shot and edited this together and sent it to me the other week. I was rocked to my core. It was like seeing a bad outfit you wore 10 years ago, but 1000 times worse. It was like a bad outfit on your soul. I was lost.

I Tried to Reach You by Sarah Rabdau from Little Big Pictures on Vimeo.

Something’s have not changed….. I still feel lost. I have a constant need for change. I am satisfied 5% of the time. I think too much and over-analyze too much. I am still more inspired by visual art and traveling than music. I don’t’ believe I’m fulfilling my potential. Most of the time I beat myself up over this, and only sometimes understand that it’s my process for art making. It’s not sympathy I want or crave. It’s purging. I intake until I burst. I want to burst more.

And with that, My Top 17 Moments/Art Things/Music, including mine, for the year

1. Self-Employed Assassins made a record and released it. It was exactly as it should be. I have no regrets or needs to change how those songs were done. There is only change in the future

2. Self-Employed Assassins started touring other states, finally, and liked it.

3. As cheesy as this sounds, I got married and it was pretty fucking awesome. It was, thus far, the biggest art explosion/collaboration/love fest I have ever been part of and I so wish I could have invited you all.

4. S.E.A found the most amazing taco truck in Danbury, CT outside the club (Uncle Larry’s) after the show that literally changed our lives and all future taco samplings. We still talk about it and drool.

5. I went to this amazing underground restaurant with some good friends and had the most creative and delicious meal of my life. There were 8 courses, and ingredients in each dish that I had previously never heard of. Heaven.

6. Sleep No More @ A.R.T – Wonderfully inspired. It haunts me from time to time. I can’t wait to go once more before it closes

7. St. Vincent- Actor. I fucking love this record with extreme passion

8. Andrew Bird live. He blew my socks off and hurled me over a mountain while dropping me gently on a feather mattress in the ocean.

9. Dirty Projectors live. The amount of time, commitment, inspiration, and creativity this band puts into their music is astounding.

10. Making the video for ‘Autumn Spills’

11. Having the video air on Bravo! Videos in Canada

12. The ‘Who Shot Rock N Roll’ exhibit at Brooklyn Museum

13. Reading ‘East of Eden’

14. Going to Laguna Beach for the first time since I was 19 and giving a big fuck you to the prim and proper of the O.C by stripping down to my skivvies and blasting the crowded beach with my city-white skin and jumping into the pacific.

15. Going to L.A and loving it for the first time.

16. Eating sushi at Izaka-ya and having it change my world and thusly ruin all other sushi for life

17. Lady Gaga

Happy New Year and art/food hunting

xxoo

~sarah