Friday, May 06, 2005
I don't offer up what's happening in my life very easily. (Can't you tell?) I will notoriously respond with "ah, not much", when people ask me what's going on. Even when there is a lot going on, I always say "not much, what about you?", and then ask a gazillion questions about their lives. I don't do it consciously, it's just a habit that I have formed.
I have a friend that is great about responding when I say, "what about you?" He talks about all the things he's been working on, who he has talked to, what shows he's been to, and then it makes me feel like an ass for not actually saying what has been going on. Especially right now, I am getting busier. I have a few shows that are coming up this month/and next that I am really excited about, I am writing some songs I am really excited about, and generally speaking I am feeling more open.
Playing with Ad is also really special. I have grown accustomed to my shows being more stripped down and having the fire come from me. But Ad's whole band is on fire, as is Ad, and to be part of a group that throws their own kindling and lavish furniture on to a pile to make a huge bonfire is something spectacular. People have given me generous compliments about my additions to the group (I hope they are letting Ad know too), and strangely enough is seems that I all of a sudden have some credibility in the eyes of the Rabdau skeptical. As I mentioned before, Ad won't allow me to do this if it takes up a lot of my time. But, so far, it seems like it is benefitting me in more ways then one.
Anyway, back to the point. When I first started writing at 14ish I was listening to Tori Amos and Joni Mitchell, I was writing hyper personal songs that were HEAVILY influenced by those two ladies. In my early twenties I wanted to desperately not be assocoiated with Tori, not because I didn't respect her, but because it's such a tired comparison. If you have curly hair, and play the piano, it's like you are one in the same. TIRED! And so I started listening to more R&B and soul music, more electronic stuff, and was really liking the hard edge of electronic beats and the vocal gymnastics of soul. I was also becoming obsessed with being perfect. I wanted my hair to be perfect, my voice to be perfect, outfits perfect. Everything was to be pretty and perfect. So in this completely fucked up new attitude I had developed, I started writing less about my surroundings and more about what I thought people wanted to hear from me. This was the conception and birth of Benevolent Apollo.
I know a lot of you really like Apollo, lots of press said lovely things about it, and I am very proud of the work that everyone involved put in. Very proud, and very lucky.
But, I am far from perfect and I am far from being close to perfect. Right now I like to embrace the things that are not pretty about myself. The things I hide, the things that I don't let people know about, the things people don't expect. This is who I am, and I will fight to the death for it now. Before, I didn't have it in me because I wasn't really sure who this Monster Perfect Creature was and how the fuck she got hold of me. But she is dead now, so all heil disorder!
Veering, straying,.....wow! the point.
The point! I refuse to censor myself now. I can't do it, it's like slowly suffocating, each day taking way one of my last breaths. Though it is understandable that close friends, family, and my other half now question my lyrics and wonder if something is about them, and though I sing these songs in front of people and sometimes they are indeed about them, I can't be afraid of writing something for fear that I will be questioned about it. Songs are what you make of them. If I write something about my step father, best friend, or boyfriend it is meant to be interpretted in different ways. Where the origin comes from means nothing, it's what people get out of it. I know where it comes from, and in many ways my songs are my outlet to dramatize situations and make something out of nothing. I am a creative type. This is what I do.
And I get satisfaction when people come up to me after a show talking about how much a song means to them because "that happened to me." And that's not what the song is even about, but if that's what they get out of it then that is what it's about.
So, I apologize in advance to all of you who I have or undoubtedly will write songs about. Even if it's not the happiest song, even if I am screaming and yelling "fuck you!", it's only because I love you or you have made an impact on me. Which is hard to do on both counts, so you are somethinig fine indeed. Consider yourself special. But please don't ask me about specific lines. I will lie to you everytime.
That will always be my private world. Even when I sing about it in front of the world.
I have a friend that is great about responding when I say, "what about you?" He talks about all the things he's been working on, who he has talked to, what shows he's been to, and then it makes me feel like an ass for not actually saying what has been going on. Especially right now, I am getting busier. I have a few shows that are coming up this month/and next that I am really excited about, I am writing some songs I am really excited about, and generally speaking I am feeling more open.
Playing with Ad is also really special. I have grown accustomed to my shows being more stripped down and having the fire come from me. But Ad's whole band is on fire, as is Ad, and to be part of a group that throws their own kindling and lavish furniture on to a pile to make a huge bonfire is something spectacular. People have given me generous compliments about my additions to the group (I hope they are letting Ad know too), and strangely enough is seems that I all of a sudden have some credibility in the eyes of the Rabdau skeptical. As I mentioned before, Ad won't allow me to do this if it takes up a lot of my time. But, so far, it seems like it is benefitting me in more ways then one.
Anyway, back to the point. When I first started writing at 14ish I was listening to Tori Amos and Joni Mitchell, I was writing hyper personal songs that were HEAVILY influenced by those two ladies. In my early twenties I wanted to desperately not be assocoiated with Tori, not because I didn't respect her, but because it's such a tired comparison. If you have curly hair, and play the piano, it's like you are one in the same. TIRED! And so I started listening to more R&B and soul music, more electronic stuff, and was really liking the hard edge of electronic beats and the vocal gymnastics of soul. I was also becoming obsessed with being perfect. I wanted my hair to be perfect, my voice to be perfect, outfits perfect. Everything was to be pretty and perfect. So in this completely fucked up new attitude I had developed, I started writing less about my surroundings and more about what I thought people wanted to hear from me. This was the conception and birth of Benevolent Apollo.
I know a lot of you really like Apollo, lots of press said lovely things about it, and I am very proud of the work that everyone involved put in. Very proud, and very lucky.
But, I am far from perfect and I am far from being close to perfect. Right now I like to embrace the things that are not pretty about myself. The things I hide, the things that I don't let people know about, the things people don't expect. This is who I am, and I will fight to the death for it now. Before, I didn't have it in me because I wasn't really sure who this Monster Perfect Creature was and how the fuck she got hold of me. But she is dead now, so all heil disorder!
Veering, straying,.....wow! the point.
The point! I refuse to censor myself now. I can't do it, it's like slowly suffocating, each day taking way one of my last breaths. Though it is understandable that close friends, family, and my other half now question my lyrics and wonder if something is about them, and though I sing these songs in front of people and sometimes they are indeed about them, I can't be afraid of writing something for fear that I will be questioned about it. Songs are what you make of them. If I write something about my step father, best friend, or boyfriend it is meant to be interpretted in different ways. Where the origin comes from means nothing, it's what people get out of it. I know where it comes from, and in many ways my songs are my outlet to dramatize situations and make something out of nothing. I am a creative type. This is what I do.
And I get satisfaction when people come up to me after a show talking about how much a song means to them because "that happened to me." And that's not what the song is even about, but if that's what they get out of it then that is what it's about.
So, I apologize in advance to all of you who I have or undoubtedly will write songs about. Even if it's not the happiest song, even if I am screaming and yelling "fuck you!", it's only because I love you or you have made an impact on me. Which is hard to do on both counts, so you are somethinig fine indeed. Consider yourself special. But please don't ask me about specific lines. I will lie to you everytime.
That will always be my private world. Even when I sing about it in front of the world.
posted by Sarah RabDAU at
8:28 AM
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