the good the bad and the lost

So, Rigel is still leaving. I want to recover from this ASAP but I'm lost to where I need to go. My first reaction is to say....fuck it. I'll be solo forever. But the fact is that I want a band. I like doing solo performances, a lot. But there is nothing better then playing with someone that you really connect with. That feeling of power on stage is the best thing in the world, better then sex or chocolate or drugs (though I'm not really a drug fan) or alcohol or avocados. And maybe I just want a person or two to play with for my own stuff....and then I want to be in a band band on the side. A band where I sing and don't sit behind my keyboard. I could jump around, walk into the audience, I could clap my hands, I could walk over and sing into someone else's microphone..simple luxuries that are not allowed when you are behind a beast with 88 keys to play. There's only so much a woman can do.

When I was little we had this wall of closets that had mirrored fronts, and I would spend hours entertaining the imaginary masses that looked back at me. I rocked. They all told me so. My mom was encouraging but a little perturbed at my narcissism, but she was partly to blame because she was the one that took me to drama class, and paid for my piano lessons. My parents are artists but they weren't the self absorbed kind. Maybe my dad a little, but not really.

To be solo you have to kickass. At everything. I can kick ass on my vocals and my songwriting (though I'm sure there are many that would disagree), but my piano skills are very hard to kickass at. It's not for lack of trying. I can play my way through, but not the way I want to. Not like Tori, or Regina, or Ms. Palmer, or Rufus, or my favorite musician on the planet right now..Peter Moore. Peter Moore sings for a band called Count Zero, he used to front a band called Think Tree, and lately he has been doing these solo shows that are tentatively called 'Love Cycle'. Peter Moore is my idol. This solo show he does consists of him doing these skits in between songs, he does all the voices of four different characters and each skit hints at what the next song will be. It's him. Two mics. A Keyboard. And a kick drum. His piano playing is astounding, he can go from these sort of groove based songs that are reminiscent of Prince, and then do these crazy- ass 20th century classical sounding pieces with all this fast finger work and chromatic runs and crazy chords...ah man it makes me so jealous. And he's a lovely and handsome man to top it all off. Jealous. so very jealous.

I wrote some new songs that I really like. I am hopefully recording some stuff with Rigel before she leaves. I need to have this for posterity, and to also see who or what and if anyone else could ever do what she does. I am hopeful, I know everything happens for a reason, even when it hurts and makes you feel lost. I just hope it happens soon, I'm sick of floating around in the middle of the ocean. so to speak.


that's a metaphor.

heartbreak

My friend Ad Frank asked me to come into the studio when he was recording his last album. (several months ago...it's out now, everyone go buy it). Anyway, while in the studio he requested that I sing a certain part as if my heart were breaking. Then made a snide Ad Frank comment about how I don't know anything about heart break because I have been in the same relationship for so long. So then I nailed the vocal....being challenged in that way....and he screamed, I smiled, and I felt very satisfied.
Because for some of us, heartbreak doesn't have to come in failed relationships. Sometimes it comes in other losses and disappointments...and for those I have a surplus. I am a pro at loss and disappointmet. I am such a pro that I sometimes build up such a wall to protect myself against it, that I feel like a stone cold bitch (which is kinda cool). Stoic, solid, unmovable. But life is only worth living if you chose to experience it for all it's worth, and that means becoming tender and open to situations where total devastation may be unavoidable.

Rigel told me on Friday that she plans on moving to San Fransisco at the end of October. of 2005. in like, two months. I really didn't know what to say, I want to support her decision...but I also want to yell out "don't leave! we are just starting!" And that's part of her problem with the decision.
Being in a band with someone, even as a duo, is like a relationship. And some work and some don't...and this is one that did. This is like being in a great relationship with someone at the peak of it's awesomeness and them saying "I gotta go." You feel lost and rejected and ultimately, for me anyway, incredibly sad. I've never been so happy playing with anyone. I don't know how anyone else can come close to what we do. How the fuck do I play Air Raid with anyone else? She's the only person I have played with that I have ever felt like a "band". Not just the people I play with, even though I have had a great time playing with other people. And it seemed like there were so many possibilties, and ideas that were just beginning to flow. I have shed too many tears over this, and don't think there are any left. And then more come.
And, of course, I start to think about moving too. Because it is really something that I have been considering for 4 years or so, but I always imagine moving to New York. Because I love New York. But everyone I know lives in San Fran. Literally all my best friends live there, and my super fan (hi Rachel..I miss you)..but still. Moving to San Fran is kinda like living in Boston. I don't know if San Fran has a booming music scene, and I would really like to be in more of an epi-center instead of a very similar situation but 3000 miles away from my beloved bitter coast, and my amazing family. But with way better weather AND In N'Out burger.
If anyone sees Rigel walking around the city or at a show, please let her know how much you love seeing her play with me.
I always hated parental guilt trips when I was a kid....but I think this calls for one.

New Orleans. I am not nearly eloquent enough to comment on this. It's like a death of someone you are close to, everyday you get up and wonder if it's ok to smile, or eat, or drink, or flush the fucking toilet, because 1500 miles away there are tens of thousands of American citizens that can't do those things. And I feel like I have to watch absolutely everything, everyday about this disaster. I have to because I'm not there, and I thankfully don't know anyone is New Orleans; but this is my country. These are our people. American citizens abandoned by their government. All week, I watched in horror. I don't want to say much more about it, because I do feel so removed and this is certainly not about my tears or my pain. This is the heartbreak, the loss, the disappointment that lives in the veins of this country. And this is bigger then anything I have personally witnessed in my time as an American.
to all the families, you are in my thoughts. And to all those that neglected you, may the images and guilt burn in their souls forever.