Friday, February 22, 2008
I've been talking to some friends and randoms and it's unanimous; winter is dumb. Or actually, we're dumb for living in a place where winter exists for 5 months out of the year. I don't ski, I haven't been sledding in years (which really should be remedied), I don't like snow except when I'm inside looking out a window, and despite my love of rain, cloudy days, and spf 30, I do actually like the sunlight. But I hear daylight savings is on March 9th this year, so there could be hope. I guess someone in the big house made a good decision for once.
A few weeks ago I had a dark week. Probably the darkest I've been since I was 16, and by god I was really dark then. It stemmed from a lot things, one of them being the feeling of neediness and having others make me happy but not being happy on my own. It's sort of like a drug, people that make you happy and laugh, once you have them around you need them all the time until they're gone and you are shaking from withdrawals and puking all over the place. Well, maybe it's not that bad, but imagine your soul and your heart doing that.
The other stem that darkened my mind came from insecurity with art and life, and the realities and truths of putting out a record. Putting out a record costs 1 billion dollars and it's really a pretty self-indulgent expense. My best friend was reassuring me, 'some people buy tv's for a billion dollars' , 'yeah best friend, but they will get years of entertainment out of that sucker. my dreams will likely fade when the press don't cover the record, no one buys it, or comes to shows. Just another melodramatic songwriter at her piano. Oh, and on top of being shattered, I will have absolutely no money in my bank account, and no skills or interests that would attain a job that has nothing to do with music and will make me miserable.'
Like I said, I was in a dark place.
I pretty much think all those things still, but the difference now is that I'm not letting it get to me. I remedied my darkness with a weekend of solitude, leaving the house only to buy groceries, and playing a bunch. I finally finished the lyrics to a song that I had been working on since August and had wanted to play at the last show. I think the title is 'Tooth and Hair'. It's about decomposing and dying, but done in a pretty raucous and upbeat way. I think it's kind of dance-y, but my mom didn't really think so when I told her what it was about.
My dad was concerned for my mood, he usually can cheer me up with a phone call, but his efforts were futile. I told him I just needed to be alone and to make myself happy. He agreed and said that if he was with me he'd totally pamper me. 'that kind of defeats the purpose of being alone, dad'. He just wanted to help.
It's snowing outside again. We're supposed to get 6-10 inches. Remember when it was 60 on Monday? Remember last year when we had, like, 4 inches of snow all year? I didn't have to shovel then. I have to shovel now. I hate shoveling. I like seeing the pavement and the brown grass, it makes me feel like something is going to happen. Like Growth. Soon. I like Spring/Summer/Fall labor, like pruning and planting. Shoveling makes me feel domestic, and I generally don't like that feeling. Planting and cutting makes me feel like I'm helping the world, providing oxygen and pretty things to look at. That's really all we need.
I saw Sweeney Todd. It was fake gory and quite pretty. The music was amazing. That Soundheim can sure write some harmonies.
I'm going to see There Will Be Blood this weekend because Daniel Day-Lewis makes me happy to be alive and lucky to be someone that creates things. I saw him on Charlie Rose the other night and he elevated me. I love passionate people, and he's about as passionate as they get. His work ethic and desire to understand, be, and experience his characters and life is inspiring. You know how sometimes you feel connected to famous people but don't know why? Daniel Day-Lewis is that person for me. I would be a much happier person if I could have dinner with him a few times, or even better, learn how to do something with him. Or have him teach me how to make shoes. Daniel Day-Lewis is one of my inspirations to keep doing.
I read Steve Martin's autobiography 'Born Standing Up'. I would recommend it highly. It's fascinating to hear how he started his act and how he grew as a performer and writer. The things that moved him and inspired him, and how he knew things worked. Also, and I know it's true for almost every artist/performer, how insecure you can get about your art even at the top of your game. I had no idea that at the height of his career he was playing to 45,000! Seriously! He's like Aerosmith or U2!
I'm finally reading Skinny Legs and All after it has sat on my bookshelf for my whole life. I don't know why out of all Tom Robbins books I haven't wanted to read this one. It's proving to be fantastic, per usual. But I'm only halfway through.
ok. Album work will resume in about 2 weeks.
Some nice people reviewed our last show at TT's w/ Nicole Atkins here:
http://mel.opho.be.com
ok.
xoxoxoxox
~sarah
A few weeks ago I had a dark week. Probably the darkest I've been since I was 16, and by god I was really dark then. It stemmed from a lot things, one of them being the feeling of neediness and having others make me happy but not being happy on my own. It's sort of like a drug, people that make you happy and laugh, once you have them around you need them all the time until they're gone and you are shaking from withdrawals and puking all over the place. Well, maybe it's not that bad, but imagine your soul and your heart doing that.
The other stem that darkened my mind came from insecurity with art and life, and the realities and truths of putting out a record. Putting out a record costs 1 billion dollars and it's really a pretty self-indulgent expense. My best friend was reassuring me, 'some people buy tv's for a billion dollars' , 'yeah best friend, but they will get years of entertainment out of that sucker. my dreams will likely fade when the press don't cover the record, no one buys it, or comes to shows. Just another melodramatic songwriter at her piano. Oh, and on top of being shattered, I will have absolutely no money in my bank account, and no skills or interests that would attain a job that has nothing to do with music and will make me miserable.'
Like I said, I was in a dark place.
I pretty much think all those things still, but the difference now is that I'm not letting it get to me. I remedied my darkness with a weekend of solitude, leaving the house only to buy groceries, and playing a bunch. I finally finished the lyrics to a song that I had been working on since August and had wanted to play at the last show. I think the title is 'Tooth and Hair'. It's about decomposing and dying, but done in a pretty raucous and upbeat way. I think it's kind of dance-y, but my mom didn't really think so when I told her what it was about.
My dad was concerned for my mood, he usually can cheer me up with a phone call, but his efforts were futile. I told him I just needed to be alone and to make myself happy. He agreed and said that if he was with me he'd totally pamper me. 'that kind of defeats the purpose of being alone, dad'. He just wanted to help.
It's snowing outside again. We're supposed to get 6-10 inches. Remember when it was 60 on Monday? Remember last year when we had, like, 4 inches of snow all year? I didn't have to shovel then. I have to shovel now. I hate shoveling. I like seeing the pavement and the brown grass, it makes me feel like something is going to happen. Like Growth. Soon. I like Spring/Summer/Fall labor, like pruning and planting. Shoveling makes me feel domestic, and I generally don't like that feeling. Planting and cutting makes me feel like I'm helping the world, providing oxygen and pretty things to look at. That's really all we need.
I saw Sweeney Todd. It was fake gory and quite pretty. The music was amazing. That Soundheim can sure write some harmonies.
I'm going to see There Will Be Blood this weekend because Daniel Day-Lewis makes me happy to be alive and lucky to be someone that creates things. I saw him on Charlie Rose the other night and he elevated me. I love passionate people, and he's about as passionate as they get. His work ethic and desire to understand, be, and experience his characters and life is inspiring. You know how sometimes you feel connected to famous people but don't know why? Daniel Day-Lewis is that person for me. I would be a much happier person if I could have dinner with him a few times, or even better, learn how to do something with him. Or have him teach me how to make shoes. Daniel Day-Lewis is one of my inspirations to keep doing.
I read Steve Martin's autobiography 'Born Standing Up'. I would recommend it highly. It's fascinating to hear how he started his act and how he grew as a performer and writer. The things that moved him and inspired him, and how he knew things worked. Also, and I know it's true for almost every artist/performer, how insecure you can get about your art even at the top of your game. I had no idea that at the height of his career he was playing to 45,000! Seriously! He's like Aerosmith or U2!
I'm finally reading Skinny Legs and All after it has sat on my bookshelf for my whole life. I don't know why out of all Tom Robbins books I haven't wanted to read this one. It's proving to be fantastic, per usual. But I'm only halfway through.
ok. Album work will resume in about 2 weeks.
Some nice people reviewed our last show at TT's w/ Nicole Atkins here:
http://mel.opho.be.com
ok.
xoxoxoxox
~sarah
posted by Sarah RabDAU at
7:18 AM
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