Tuesday, September 06, 2005
My friend Ad Frank asked me to come into the studio when he was recording his last album. (several months ago...it's out now, everyone go buy it). Anyway, while in the studio he requested that I sing a certain part as if my heart were breaking. Then made a snide Ad Frank comment about how I don't know anything about heart break because I have been in the same relationship for so long. So then I nailed the vocal....being challenged in that way....and he screamed, I smiled, and I felt very satisfied.
Because for some of us, heartbreak doesn't have to come in failed relationships. Sometimes it comes in other losses and disappointments...and for those I have a surplus. I am a pro at loss and disappointmet. I am such a pro that I sometimes build up such a wall to protect myself against it, that I feel like a stone cold bitch (which is kinda cool). Stoic, solid, unmovable. But life is only worth living if you chose to experience it for all it's worth, and that means becoming tender and open to situations where total devastation may be unavoidable.
Rigel told me on Friday that she plans on moving to San Fransisco at the end of October. of 2005. in like, two months. I really didn't know what to say, I want to support her decision...but I also want to yell out "don't leave! we are just starting!" And that's part of her problem with the decision.
Being in a band with someone, even as a duo, is like a relationship. And some work and some don't...and this is one that did. This is like being in a great relationship with someone at the peak of it's awesomeness and them saying "I gotta go." You feel lost and rejected and ultimately, for me anyway, incredibly sad. I've never been so happy playing with anyone. I don't know how anyone else can come close to what we do. How the fuck do I play Air Raid with anyone else? She's the only person I have played with that I have ever felt like a "band". Not just the people I play with, even though I have had a great time playing with other people. And it seemed like there were so many possibilties, and ideas that were just beginning to flow. I have shed too many tears over this, and don't think there are any left. And then more come.
And, of course, I start to think about moving too. Because it is really something that I have been considering for 4 years or so, but I always imagine moving to New York. Because I love New York. But everyone I know lives in San Fran. Literally all my best friends live there, and my super fan (hi Rachel..I miss you)..but still. Moving to San Fran is kinda like living in Boston. I don't know if San Fran has a booming music scene, and I would really like to be in more of an epi-center instead of a very similar situation but 3000 miles away from my beloved bitter coast, and my amazing family. But with way better weather AND In N'Out burger.
If anyone sees Rigel walking around the city or at a show, please let her know how much you love seeing her play with me.
I always hated parental guilt trips when I was a kid....but I think this calls for one.
New Orleans. I am not nearly eloquent enough to comment on this. It's like a death of someone you are close to, everyday you get up and wonder if it's ok to smile, or eat, or drink, or flush the fucking toilet, because 1500 miles away there are tens of thousands of American citizens that can't do those things. And I feel like I have to watch absolutely everything, everyday about this disaster. I have to because I'm not there, and I thankfully don't know anyone is New Orleans; but this is my country. These are our people. American citizens abandoned by their government. All week, I watched in horror. I don't want to say much more about it, because I do feel so removed and this is certainly not about my tears or my pain. This is the heartbreak, the loss, the disappointment that lives in the veins of this country. And this is bigger then anything I have personally witnessed in my time as an American.
to all the families, you are in my thoughts. And to all those that neglected you, may the images and guilt burn in their souls forever.
Because for some of us, heartbreak doesn't have to come in failed relationships. Sometimes it comes in other losses and disappointments...and for those I have a surplus. I am a pro at loss and disappointmet. I am such a pro that I sometimes build up such a wall to protect myself against it, that I feel like a stone cold bitch (which is kinda cool). Stoic, solid, unmovable. But life is only worth living if you chose to experience it for all it's worth, and that means becoming tender and open to situations where total devastation may be unavoidable.
Rigel told me on Friday that she plans on moving to San Fransisco at the end of October. of 2005. in like, two months. I really didn't know what to say, I want to support her decision...but I also want to yell out "don't leave! we are just starting!" And that's part of her problem with the decision.
Being in a band with someone, even as a duo, is like a relationship. And some work and some don't...and this is one that did. This is like being in a great relationship with someone at the peak of it's awesomeness and them saying "I gotta go." You feel lost and rejected and ultimately, for me anyway, incredibly sad. I've never been so happy playing with anyone. I don't know how anyone else can come close to what we do. How the fuck do I play Air Raid with anyone else? She's the only person I have played with that I have ever felt like a "band". Not just the people I play with, even though I have had a great time playing with other people. And it seemed like there were so many possibilties, and ideas that were just beginning to flow. I have shed too many tears over this, and don't think there are any left. And then more come.
And, of course, I start to think about moving too. Because it is really something that I have been considering for 4 years or so, but I always imagine moving to New York. Because I love New York. But everyone I know lives in San Fran. Literally all my best friends live there, and my super fan (hi Rachel..I miss you)..but still. Moving to San Fran is kinda like living in Boston. I don't know if San Fran has a booming music scene, and I would really like to be in more of an epi-center instead of a very similar situation but 3000 miles away from my beloved bitter coast, and my amazing family. But with way better weather AND In N'Out burger.
If anyone sees Rigel walking around the city or at a show, please let her know how much you love seeing her play with me.
I always hated parental guilt trips when I was a kid....but I think this calls for one.
New Orleans. I am not nearly eloquent enough to comment on this. It's like a death of someone you are close to, everyday you get up and wonder if it's ok to smile, or eat, or drink, or flush the fucking toilet, because 1500 miles away there are tens of thousands of American citizens that can't do those things. And I feel like I have to watch absolutely everything, everyday about this disaster. I have to because I'm not there, and I thankfully don't know anyone is New Orleans; but this is my country. These are our people. American citizens abandoned by their government. All week, I watched in horror. I don't want to say much more about it, because I do feel so removed and this is certainly not about my tears or my pain. This is the heartbreak, the loss, the disappointment that lives in the veins of this country. And this is bigger then anything I have personally witnessed in my time as an American.
to all the families, you are in my thoughts. And to all those that neglected you, may the images and guilt burn in their souls forever.
posted by Sarah RabDAU at
8:15 AM
1 Comments:
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