Friday, September 19, 2008
I got the CD’s last night. I have them in a pile to the right of my computer keyboard. The day that I got my first record back, I couldn’t stop looking at them because I was so fucking excited and thought we did the most amazing job ever in the history of anything. Well, not really, but for a week or so after that I was obsessed with myself, always looking, always listening. For some reason (I was naïve) I really felt like that CD was going to launch me into a thousand successes and be the end to working at “normal-ish” jobs, and the beginning of the nomadic life of constantly being tired and broke and touring. I was up for it. Not because I was glamorizing, but because it is necessary to do those things if you are looking to do this in a certain capacity. I just wanted to get on with it.
Well, the reality of the situation was that I didn’t have a band that could tour, and I didn’t have a record that showcased who I was. It was the watered down version, the insecure version, the version that made things specifically for acceptance and with others in mind.
That person has left the building. She doesn’t live here anymore. I made no sacrifices, I never said ‘it that too weird?’….. actually I did. When we were recording ‘Riots and Revolutions’ we tried to put bass and guitar on it, and it did NOT work at all. I wanted the song to be more raw, with just Matt and I, and some backup vocals; but it did need something. We decided it might be cool to have glass crashing, and screaming, and crowd noise, and gun shots, etc. add to the atmosphere of the song. So we put it in. We thought it was cool. And then we thought ‘is this weird? I mean, I think it’s cool, but this could sound weird to others.’ So what did we do? We kept it in. Fuck it. I don’t have a label to dictate to me what’s right or wrong, it was all my money, and there was no one I had to answer to. In the end, it’s perfect, and really not all that weird. Over-analyzing can kill the studio work. Constantly playing back takes and listening to tracks for days after ideas are laid can ruin an entire song, an entire album even.
So now this pile of CD’s is sitting next to me. The artwork is beautiful. I gave my friend Reuter some photos and some basic ideas and said ‘Go to town’, pretty much the direction I gave Peter when he was producing. I didn’t WANT control anymore. I wanted to collaborate. I wanted to learn and listen and soak it all up. I knew that everything would be better if I just put down my control freak and sat back and tried to relax. I’m really not all that great on my own, it’s the people around me that bring me to life. If people didn’t write me emails, or come to shows, or give me praise, or if Matt hadn’t come into the picture, I would be playing piano in my bedroom and would probably be fine. Well, that’s not totally true. I would be fine in the sense that I would write things, but I would not be fine because I would never have the confidence and encouragement that others give me. I’m a quiet attention whore.
So this pile…I look at it sometimes to make sure that it’s there. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact that 4 years of my life has been pressed into these 5 ½ x 5-inch packages. That almost every dollar to my name lives in this cardboard and plastic digipak. And I don’t know what it means anymore. That Regina Spektor line creeps into my brain ‘be afraid of the old, it will inherit your soul’. It’s not old, but it’s cynicism, or maybe even a little fear. Which is old, really. Youth doesn’t really feel that way. Or at least they shouldn’t. Not that I’m old…but my mind is thinking old. Maybe I’m just afraid that this could once again be almost over, and not starting. And I guess I don’t want to be one of those people that live in denial or with delusions. I want to accept the possibility that no one will like this, and I will maybe sell 500 copies….. But goddamn, I really don’t want that to happen.
So, whatever, time will tell, and I’ll go on ignoring things I don’t want to face. Ignorance will be bliss.
And in the meantime, Matty G and I are trying to take this show on the road more. We will be hitting up NYC next week, and Brooklyn next month. We’re also working on some stuff further south and a CD Release show in Boston in January. Maybe even a video shoot for Autumn Spills in the fall if all goes well and money grows on trees, which in my ignorant world, it DOES. So we are IN LUCK.
There will also be a new website sometime in the future (hopefully before the CD Releases in January).
We’re also on Facebook now. Become fans of ours because I can’t add people to it because Facebook is all weird and wants bands/pages to buy Ads.
In the meantime, me and this pile o’ CD’s will sit here, and I’ll attempt to let this cardboard and plastic sink into my world. And Self-Employed Assassins will do the best we can, and hope that’s enough.
Well, the reality of the situation was that I didn’t have a band that could tour, and I didn’t have a record that showcased who I was. It was the watered down version, the insecure version, the version that made things specifically for acceptance and with others in mind.
That person has left the building. She doesn’t live here anymore. I made no sacrifices, I never said ‘it that too weird?’….. actually I did. When we were recording ‘Riots and Revolutions’ we tried to put bass and guitar on it, and it did NOT work at all. I wanted the song to be more raw, with just Matt and I, and some backup vocals; but it did need something. We decided it might be cool to have glass crashing, and screaming, and crowd noise, and gun shots, etc. add to the atmosphere of the song. So we put it in. We thought it was cool. And then we thought ‘is this weird? I mean, I think it’s cool, but this could sound weird to others.’ So what did we do? We kept it in. Fuck it. I don’t have a label to dictate to me what’s right or wrong, it was all my money, and there was no one I had to answer to. In the end, it’s perfect, and really not all that weird. Over-analyzing can kill the studio work. Constantly playing back takes and listening to tracks for days after ideas are laid can ruin an entire song, an entire album even.
So now this pile of CD’s is sitting next to me. The artwork is beautiful. I gave my friend Reuter some photos and some basic ideas and said ‘Go to town’, pretty much the direction I gave Peter when he was producing. I didn’t WANT control anymore. I wanted to collaborate. I wanted to learn and listen and soak it all up. I knew that everything would be better if I just put down my control freak and sat back and tried to relax. I’m really not all that great on my own, it’s the people around me that bring me to life. If people didn’t write me emails, or come to shows, or give me praise, or if Matt hadn’t come into the picture, I would be playing piano in my bedroom and would probably be fine. Well, that’s not totally true. I would be fine in the sense that I would write things, but I would not be fine because I would never have the confidence and encouragement that others give me. I’m a quiet attention whore.
So this pile…I look at it sometimes to make sure that it’s there. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact that 4 years of my life has been pressed into these 5 ½ x 5-inch packages. That almost every dollar to my name lives in this cardboard and plastic digipak. And I don’t know what it means anymore. That Regina Spektor line creeps into my brain ‘be afraid of the old, it will inherit your soul’. It’s not old, but it’s cynicism, or maybe even a little fear. Which is old, really. Youth doesn’t really feel that way. Or at least they shouldn’t. Not that I’m old…but my mind is thinking old. Maybe I’m just afraid that this could once again be almost over, and not starting. And I guess I don’t want to be one of those people that live in denial or with delusions. I want to accept the possibility that no one will like this, and I will maybe sell 500 copies….. But goddamn, I really don’t want that to happen.
So, whatever, time will tell, and I’ll go on ignoring things I don’t want to face. Ignorance will be bliss.
And in the meantime, Matty G and I are trying to take this show on the road more. We will be hitting up NYC next week, and Brooklyn next month. We’re also working on some stuff further south and a CD Release show in Boston in January. Maybe even a video shoot for Autumn Spills in the fall if all goes well and money grows on trees, which in my ignorant world, it DOES. So we are IN LUCK.
There will also be a new website sometime in the future (hopefully before the CD Releases in January).
We’re also on Facebook now. Become fans of ours because I can’t add people to it because Facebook is all weird and wants bands/pages to buy Ads.
In the meantime, me and this pile o’ CD’s will sit here, and I’ll attempt to let this cardboard and plastic sink into my world. And Self-Employed Assassins will do the best we can, and hope that’s enough.
posted by Sarah RabDAU at
8:58 AM
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